2. I was obviously kidding
3. KIDDING!
4. But
5. BUT!
6. He LITERALLY did exactly that
7. For over eight hours
8. And he made sure I clearly saw what he was up to
9. I was in the window seat of an exit row
10. A rather vulgar, messy, entitled couple had the seats next to mine
11. The cabin steward's jump seat faced us
12. He talked to them at length
13. About everything and nothing
14. But when I tried to join the conversation ...
15. He literally gave me a withering stare and went back to learning fascinating things about the vulgar, messy, entitled couple
16. They ignored me the entire flight as well
17. Except the woman offered me a mint when I sat down
18. I had a mask on
19. So I didn't take this as a hint that my breath made my whole person repellent
20. Then
21. THEN!
22. Cabin Satan started bringing them drinks
23. Without them asking
24. Without him asking
25. We were in steerage where drinks weren't free
26. What's more ...
27. He brought each of them TWO of everything
28. In the course of the first few hours he brought the man two beers, two cans of Coke with two bottles of what I assume were vodka, a red wine and a white wine
29. The woman's alcoholic windfall was very similar
30. And aside from the required distribution of meals, guess the sum total of what he brought me
31. Guess
32. GUESS
33. OK, I'll tell you:
34. ONE SMALL GLASS OF WATER
35. But there's more
36. Because OF COURSE THERE'S MORE
37. The captain and many signs CLEARLY stated that it was the law that we all wear masks the entire time we're on the plane
38. Guess who almost never wore masks
39. JUST GUESS
40. Right: the vulgar, messy entitled couple
41. And guess who never said anything to them about it
42. JUST GUESS
43. Right: Cabin Satan
43. Who was literally face-to-face with them as he sat in his jump seat
44. But there's more
45. Because OF COURSE THERE'S MORE
46. I couldn't figure out how to release the fold-out table from my armrest
47. (There was a well-hidden button, and it turned out that mine was stubbornly stuck)
48. I tried to flag down Cabin Satan for help
49. But he was too busy noticing lint on the ceiling
50. I tried to flag down two other cabin stewards for help
51. Again with that nasty ceiling lint
52. I'd hoped my seatmates with their successfully opened tray tables might notice my confusion and volunteer to help me
53. But at this point I was fully repulsed by them and had no interest in striking up any kind of conversation for any kind of reason
54. All this time, my prepackaged dinner WAS SITTING IN MY LAP
55. And when I finally got my tray table released from its armrest prison and opened it up
56. Guess what happened
57. (This is a hard one)
58. OK, I'll tell you:
59. It wouldn't lie flat
60. It actually tilted toward me
61. And the angle was so steep that my food kept sliding toward my lap and I had to hold it and my bottle of water (which came with the meal and wasn't a benevolent bonus from Cabin Satan) in place with one hand while I tried to eat with the other
62. (It's the same lap where my meal had been sitting while I struggled to open my tray table in the first place)
63. Remember that Carol Burnett airplane sketch where Tim Conway is in no-frills coach where he's hit over and over by small and large indignities while everyone in regular seats is having a great time and nobody notices his struggles or tries to help him and he eventually gets sucked out the window?
64. It was like that
65. But with British accents and vulgar people
66. Then the man took his shoes and socks off
67. Because OF COURSE he did
68. Let's not discuss his toes
69. You're welcome
70. Then a few hours later a different cabin steward came down the aisles
72. He was passing out what sounded like "dusty pretzels"
73. The vulgar, messy, entitled people asked for some and he gave two packages of dusty pretzels to each of them
74. I asked for some and OF COURSE HE GAVE ME JUST ONE
75. It was then that I noticed his barn door was open
76. Because when you're strapped in an airplane seat, your eyes are pretty much at barn-door level
77. So even if you don't want to look, there's no way any barn door--open or closed--will escape your attention
78. Sacred Bro Code requires one bro to notify another bro with the utmost discretion if his barn door is open
79. I always honor this bro code
80. With utmost discretion
81. But guess what I didn't do this time
82. Just guess
83. Right: I DIDN'T TELL HIM
84. TAKE THAT, DUSTY PRETZEL TWINK!
85. I hope you mortified yourself all the way from English soil to Colonial soil
86. I did get lots of reading done though
87. It's not like I had anyone to engage with
88. And I desperately wanted to avert my gaze from Cap'n Vulgartoes
89. Moving on ...
90. My first condo in Chicago was on Sheridan just north of Foster
91. Foster Avenue--I soon found out--was the ground path that incoming planes followed on their way to O'Hare
92. Since it was a lovely, sunny day yesterday and we approached O'Hare rather low, I could totally see my old condo out my window
93. Which gave me a strange thrill
94. Though--let us not forget--I had nobody anywhere near me I could tell
95. I'd left my phone on airplane mode the entire trip so I could purge tons of photos and apps without being tempted to spend 75 hours on TikTok
96. My phone was literally in my lap as we flew over my old condo
97. (The lap that had previously been a food vortex)
98. But I didn't think to take a photo
99. Which would have been kinda cool
100. Though--again, let us not forget--I'd have nobody on the plane to show it to
101. Then
102. THEN!
102. After we landed
103. And we were instructed UNAMBIGUOUSLY to stay in our seats until our section was called
104. The vulgar, messy, entitled couple stood right up and began fishing their things out of the overhead bins
105. Because OF COURSE they did
106. Cap'n Vulgartoes at least finally put his socks and shoes back on though
107. And guess who didn't stop them
108. JUST GUESS
109. Right: Cabin Satan
110. You're getting good at this
111. Apparently they had a fast connection to make
112. They'd never been to O'Hare--or even America--before
113. And even though Cabin Satan assured them they'd make their connection, I knew there was no way on earth they would
114. They had to go through customs
115. Then pick up their luggage
116. Then go through the second half of customs
117. Then find the secret hidden train and take it from international Terminal 5 to any of the domestic terminals
118. The ones that are poorly labeled and confusing to figure out even if you know where you're going
119. (See my 3/29 rant about the horribleness of O'Hare for more examples)
120. Then go through domestic security
121. Which is a bit pain-in-the-buttier than UK security
122. Then invariably walk 72 miles to their gate, which is invariably in Ohio
123. As I said: There was zero chance they'd make their connection
124. But did I at least prepare them for any of this?
125. Maybe offer some general description of the process just to give them a sense of what was ahead of them?
126. And show maturity and compassion since they were vulgar, messy and entitled so they know not what they do?
127 HELL.
128. NO.
130. Cabin Satan tried to say goodbye and thank you to me as I walked past him on my way out
131. But there was lint on the ceiling
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