2. I’ve had only one before this
3. At the very dawn of the pandemic
4. But look—I’m already off the today-recap track
5. The mandatory covid app wouldn’t upload my test results
6. Because why would it?
7. The electronic signs at Edinburgh Airport, in my experience, do everything in their power to be unhelpful to the point of making you miss your flights
8. I spent a lot of time there today
9. More time than my entire transatlantic flight was supposed to take
10. Yet I’m still on this side of the pond
11. As I previously alluded to
12. (You might not have even noticed I mentioned it)
13. I missed my connecting flight to Chicago
14. And then stood in line at Heathrow for literally two hours waiting to get rebooked
15. But I was clearly a breath of fresh air wafting above the cranky, demanding weeds
16. Because I told the woman at the counter that my schedule was extremely flexible and she could get me home in whatever way was easiest
17. (I’d already told my boss there’s no way I’d make it to work tomorrow anyway, so I was clear to take on whatever the fates dealt me)
18. Plus I promised the rebooking agent a tray of scotcharoos and then flashed a bit of man-boob
18. And not only did she book me to fly out tomorrow morning at a respectable, unrushed time …
19. But I got put up at a swanky, tastefully-foo-foo-gay hotel for the night
20. Seriously
21. It’s so nice I just can’t even
22. It’s the Radisson Blu Edwardian:
23. They’ve clearly invested in its handsomeness using the money they saved by spelling it Blu
24. And I’ve always been an Edwardian guy
25. The Victorians were far too vulgar for me
26. With the wanton hedonism of their hourglass silhouettes and saucy, immodest ankles
27. No, sir
28. Not in THIS household
29. I was raised better than that
30. We were far more chaste and tasteful with our pillowy S-curve bosoms, Evelyn Nesbit virtues, and Gilded Age hubris steaming straight toward the iceberg of obscene divisions of wealth and class and the callous insouciance that unceremoniously condemned the Titanic to a grave at the bottom of the North Atlantic
31. As I said: pure Edwardian class
32. (At least the Titanic got closer to North America than I did today)
33. (too soon?)
34. The lobby here looks like a gentlemen’s hunting lodge that has a fairy godmother
35. Burled walnut paneling
36. Handsome portraits of old-money scions
37. Russet-hued marble burnished to a crisp polish
38. And a massive chandelier of crystal beads that doubles as a drag queen’s tiara on weekends:
25. The Victorians were far too vulgar for me
26. With the wanton hedonism of their hourglass silhouettes and saucy, immodest ankles
27. No, sir
28. Not in THIS household
29. I was raised better than that
30. We were far more chaste and tasteful with our pillowy S-curve bosoms, Evelyn Nesbit virtues, and Gilded Age hubris steaming straight toward the iceberg of obscene divisions of wealth and class and the callous insouciance that unceremoniously condemned the Titanic to a grave at the bottom of the North Atlantic
31. As I said: pure Edwardian class
32. (At least the Titanic got closer to North America than I did today)
33. (too soon?)
34. The lobby here looks like a gentlemen’s hunting lodge that has a fairy godmother
35. Burled walnut paneling
36. Handsome portraits of old-money scions
37. Russet-hued marble burnished to a crisp polish
38. And a massive chandelier of crystal beads that doubles as a drag queen’s tiara on weekends:
39. The lady who rebooked me also got the covid thing figured out and documented
40. She didn’t even look at my test results
41. She just trusted me to tell the truth
42. I’m glad she didn’t ask about my syphilis and consumption tests though
43. That would have gotten awkward
44. It still took me until 7:00 to get in my room
45. We’d landed at 3:30
46. Which adds up to 3 1/2 hours of standing at the rebooking counter and then standing waiting for a shuttle to the hotel and then standing in the hotel check-in line dedicated solely to serving the unwashed airline-delayed masses
47. But I’m HERE
48. There’s a lovely dining room in the lobby
49. It’s the kind that 100% has umlauts and cedillas on its menu
50. I have a dinner voucher
51. But I’m tired
52. And lazy
53. And dressed for the pajama-party comfort I was expecting on my Chicago flight
54. And typing stuff on Facebook feels like all I’m capable of doing at the moment
55. Plus the hotel is MASSIVE
56. It would take another three hours to find my way back to the lobby
57. Plus I’ve been eating like an appalling American all week
58. And I have a breakfast voucher for the morning
59. I mean bręakfäst
60. ’Cause it’s fancy
61. I’d timed my socks and underwear down to the day on this trip
62. Meaning I didn’t account for an additional overnight
63. So a shampoo-laundered pair of socks and a shampoo-laundered pair of underwear are (hopefully by morning) currently drying in the bathroom
64. Of my swanky Edwardian hotel
65. I had to give the help the night off to gather coal to heat their meager Edwardian hovels
66. So I faced the indignity of laundering my unmentionables myself
67. Thankfully nobody knows
68. Nobody
70. One other thing:
71. Our shuttle bus pulled up next to a car at a stoplight on the way to the hotel
72. (The swanky Edwardian hotel)
73. There was a kid in a car seat in the back of the car
74. He started waving to everyone on the bus
75. We all waved back
76. At every stoplight until we went our separate ways
77. It melted the cockles of my cold, black heart
78. Plus it was a welcome antidote to the screaming-banshee airport children I’d spent my day with
79. The little kid giggled
80. We all did too
81. It was nice
82. Last thing:
83. I accidentally made two 18’s on this list
84. And I don’t love you enough to go back and fix it
95. I’m also not going to fix the fact that I just jumped to 95
96. But it’s important that I end on 100
97. It makes me look organized
98. And prolific
99. So good night
100. That’s an even 100
101. Oops
41. She just trusted me to tell the truth
42. I’m glad she didn’t ask about my syphilis and consumption tests though
43. That would have gotten awkward
44. It still took me until 7:00 to get in my room
45. We’d landed at 3:30
46. Which adds up to 3 1/2 hours of standing at the rebooking counter and then standing waiting for a shuttle to the hotel and then standing in the hotel check-in line dedicated solely to serving the unwashed airline-delayed masses
47. But I’m HERE
48. There’s a lovely dining room in the lobby
49. It’s the kind that 100% has umlauts and cedillas on its menu
50. I have a dinner voucher
51. But I’m tired
52. And lazy
53. And dressed for the pajama-party comfort I was expecting on my Chicago flight
54. And typing stuff on Facebook feels like all I’m capable of doing at the moment
55. Plus the hotel is MASSIVE
56. It would take another three hours to find my way back to the lobby
57. Plus I’ve been eating like an appalling American all week
58. And I have a breakfast voucher for the morning
59. I mean bręakfäst
60. ’Cause it’s fancy
61. I’d timed my socks and underwear down to the day on this trip
62. Meaning I didn’t account for an additional overnight
63. So a shampoo-laundered pair of socks and a shampoo-laundered pair of underwear are (hopefully by morning) currently drying in the bathroom
64. Of my swanky Edwardian hotel
65. I had to give the help the night off to gather coal to heat their meager Edwardian hovels
66. So I faced the indignity of laundering my unmentionables myself
67. Thankfully nobody knows
68. Nobody
70. One other thing:
71. Our shuttle bus pulled up next to a car at a stoplight on the way to the hotel
72. (The swanky Edwardian hotel)
73. There was a kid in a car seat in the back of the car
74. He started waving to everyone on the bus
75. We all waved back
76. At every stoplight until we went our separate ways
77. It melted the cockles of my cold, black heart
78. Plus it was a welcome antidote to the screaming-banshee airport children I’d spent my day with
79. The little kid giggled
80. We all did too
81. It was nice
82. Last thing:
83. I accidentally made two 18’s on this list
84. And I don’t love you enough to go back and fix it
95. I’m also not going to fix the fact that I just jumped to 95
96. But it’s important that I end on 100
97. It makes me look organized
98. And prolific
99. So good night
100. That’s an even 100
101. Oops
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