Spilling some British Airways tea

1. Remember how I joked that the British Airways cabin steward would avoid me at all costs because of my weird hat?
2. I was obviously kidding
3. KIDDING!
4. But
5. BUT!
6. He LITERALLY did exactly that
7. For over eight hours
8. And he made sure I clearly saw what he was up to
9. I was in the window seat of an exit row
10. A rather vulgar, messy, entitled couple had the seats next to mine
11. The cabin steward's jump seat faced us
12. He talked to them at length
13. About everything and nothing
14. But when I tried to join the conversation ...
15. He literally gave me a withering stare and went back to learning fascinating things about the vulgar, messy, entitled couple
16. They ignored me the entire flight as well
17. Except the woman offered me a mint when I sat down
18. I had a mask on
19. So I didn't take this as a hint that my breath made my whole person repellent
20. Then
21. THEN!
22. Cabin Satan started bringing them drinks
23. Without them asking
24. Without him asking
25. We were in steerage where drinks weren't free
26. What's more ...
27. He brought each of them TWO of everything
28. In the course of the first few hours he brought the man two beers, two cans of Coke with two bottles of what I assume were vodka, a red wine and a white wine
29. The woman's alcoholic windfall was very similar
30. And aside from the required distribution of meals, guess the sum total of what he brought me
31. Guess
32. GUESS
33. OK, I'll tell you:
34. ONE SMALL GLASS OF WATER
35. But there's more
36. Because OF COURSE THERE'S MORE
37. The captain and many signs CLEARLY stated that it was the law that we all wear masks the entire time we're on the plane
38. Guess who almost never wore masks
39. JUST GUESS
40. Right: the vulgar, messy entitled couple
41. And guess who never said anything to them about it
42. JUST GUESS
43. Right: Cabin Satan
43. Who was literally face-to-face with them as he sat in his jump seat
44. But there's more
45. Because OF COURSE THERE'S MORE
46. I couldn't figure out how to release the fold-out table from my armrest
47. (There was a well-hidden button, and it turned out that mine was stubbornly stuck)
48. I tried to flag down Cabin Satan for help
49. But he was too busy noticing lint on the ceiling
50. I tried to flag down two other cabin stewards for help
51. Again with that nasty ceiling lint
52. I'd hoped my seatmates with their successfully opened tray tables might notice my confusion and volunteer to help me
53. But at this point I was fully repulsed by them and had no interest in striking up any kind of conversation for any kind of reason
54. All this time, my prepackaged dinner WAS SITTING IN MY LAP
55. And when I finally got my tray table released from its armrest prison and opened it up
56. Guess what happened
57. (This is a hard one)
58. OK, I'll tell you:
59. It wouldn't lie flat
60. It actually tilted toward me
61. And the angle was so steep that my food kept sliding toward my lap and I had to hold it and my bottle of water (which came with the meal and wasn't a benevolent bonus from Cabin Satan) in place with one hand while I tried to eat with the other
62. (It's the same lap where my meal had been sitting while I struggled to open my tray table in the first place)
63. Remember that Carol Burnett airplane sketch where Tim Conway is in no-frills coach where he's hit over and over by small and large indignities while everyone in regular seats is having a great time and nobody notices his struggles or tries to help him and he eventually gets sucked out the window?
64. It was like that
65. But with British accents and vulgar people
66. Then the man took his shoes and socks off
67. Because OF COURSE he did
68. Let's not discuss his toes
69. You're welcome
70. Then a few hours later a different cabin steward came down the aisles
72. He was passing out what sounded like "dusty pretzels"
73. The vulgar, messy, entitled people asked for some and he gave two packages of dusty pretzels to each of them
74. I asked for some and OF COURSE HE GAVE ME JUST ONE
75. It was then that I noticed his barn door was open
76. Because when you're strapped in an airplane seat, your eyes are pretty much at barn-door level
77. So even if you don't want to look, there's no way any barn door--open or closed--will escape your attention
78. Sacred Bro Code requires one bro to notify another bro with the utmost discretion if his barn door is open
79. I always honor this bro code
80. With utmost discretion
81. But guess what I didn't do this time
82. Just guess
83. Right: I DIDN'T TELL HIM
84. TAKE THAT, DUSTY PRETZEL TWINK!
85. I hope you mortified yourself all the way from English soil to Colonial soil
86. I did get lots of reading done though
87. It's not like I had anyone to engage with
88. And I desperately wanted to avert my gaze from Cap'n Vulgartoes
89. Moving on ...
90. My first condo in Chicago was on Sheridan just north of Foster
91. Foster Avenue--I soon found out--was the ground path that incoming planes followed on their way to O'Hare
92. Since it was a lovely, sunny day yesterday and we approached O'Hare rather low, I could totally see my old condo out my window
93. Which gave me a strange thrill
94. Though--let us not forget--I had nobody anywhere near me I could tell
95. I'd left my phone on airplane mode the entire trip so I could purge tons of photos and apps without being tempted to spend 75 hours on TikTok
96. My phone was literally in my lap as we flew over my old condo
97. (The lap that had previously been a food vortex)
98. But I didn't think to take a photo
99. Which would have been kinda cool
100. Though--again, let us not forget--I'd have nobody on the plane to show it to
101. Then
102. THEN!
102. After we landed
103. And we were instructed UNAMBIGUOUSLY to stay in our seats until our section was called
104. The vulgar, messy, entitled couple stood right up and began fishing their things out of the overhead bins
105. Because OF COURSE they did
106. Cap'n Vulgartoes at least finally put his socks and shoes back on though
107. And guess who didn't stop them
108. JUST GUESS
109. Right: Cabin Satan
110. You're getting good at this
111. Apparently they had a fast connection to make
112. They'd never been to O'Hare--or even America--before
113. And even though Cabin Satan assured them they'd make their connection, I knew there was no way on earth they would
114. They had to go through customs
115. Then pick up their luggage
116. Then go through the second half of customs
117. Then find the secret hidden train and take it from international Terminal 5 to any of the domestic terminals
118. The ones that are poorly labeled and confusing to figure out even if you know where you're going
119. (See my 3/29 rant about the horribleness of O'Hare for more examples)
120. Then go through domestic security
121. Which is a bit pain-in-the-buttier than UK security
122. Then invariably walk 72 miles to their gate, which is invariably in Ohio
123. As I said: There was zero chance they'd make their connection
124. But did I at least prepare them for any of this?
125. Maybe offer some general description of the process just to give them a sense of what was ahead of them?
126. And show maturity and compassion since they were vulgar, messy and entitled so they know not what they do?
127 HELL.
128. NO.
130. Cabin Satan tried to say goodbye and thank you to me as I walked past him on my way out
131. But there was lint on the ceiling

Adventures in boarding our plane

1. It’s parked super-way-far-away on the tarmac so we all took alarmingly long bus rides to get to it
2. As my fellow bus passengers and I were waiting to climb the steps from the tarmac to the plane, three occupants of the plane were being all but DRAGGED down the stairs and off the plane amid much shouting and concern to the rest of us.
2. Even if the problem was a mere misunderstanding, it didn’t make for good optics.
3. Yikes.
4. I bought this jaunty tropical-toile bucket hat in Scotland, much to the consternation of my fashion-backward niece.
5. Kids these days.
6. They have no taste.
7. But
8. BUT!
9. The nice desk agent I was so polite to yesterday not only booked me in a posh hotel BUT ALSO PUT ME IN AN EXIT ROW.
10. Which may or may not be that big of a plus.
11. There’s no easy-access place to store my bag of books and goodies.
12. So the bag is stowed above my head and my books are in my lap.
13. And I’ll have a clear view of everyone going to the bathroom.
14. CLARIFICATION: I’ll have a clear view of everyone ENTERING the bathrooms.
15. Not actually USING them.
16. It seemed important to make sure you all understand that.
17. See the disembodied feet and ankles in that second picture?
18. They’re the cabin steward’s.
19. I’ve already managed to ask enough dumb questions that I guarantee he’ll avoid talking to me the rest of the flight.
20. Crazy Americans.
21. When we’re tired, we’re EXTRA befuddled, amirite?
22. That should be printed on our passports.
23. In case it isn’t obvious.
24. The captain just said we’re about to pull away.
25. But from what?
26. WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TARMAC.
27. And nothing’s been explained about the forcibly ejected passengers.
29. I’m sure there are HIPAA-ish (HIPPISH?) laws about not telling us information about other passengers.
30. But still: Bad optics = awkward discomfort
31. Anyway.
32. We’re about to pull away from our square of tarmac paint and hit the skies.
33. I HOPE.
34. Peace out.
35. Oh—I accidentally made two 2’s.
36. And I somehow skipped 28.
37. When we’re tired, we’re EXTRA befuddled, amirite?

Heathrow redux

1. Is it possible for a bed to be TOO comfortable?
2. Because I slept in the softness of a mother-kitty hug last night
3. But BLERG am I exhausted
4. It could’ve been the pillows though
5. They were so plump they practically had me sleeping vertically
6. The hotel breakfast was good
7. I gorged myself because I didn’t eat dinner
8. Local customs and regional cuisines may come and go, but watery hotel scrambled eggs transcend all boundaries
8. I also managed to spill a lake of honey on my leg
9. My jeans were already into questionable-cleanliness territory
10. Now there’s no question
11. But there’s totally a dark, sticky stain
12. Not even copious amounts of water can make it go away
13. I might have to launder them in a different country
14. I’m also down to my emergency mask stash
15. The ones that smell like the soap didn’t quite get to them in the wash
16. I have one last N95 mask though
17. But I’m saving it for the plane
18. Where paper masks are required
19. The airports here frustratingly refuse to tell you where your gate is until 60 minutes before boarding
20. And they conveniently leave you waiting in the middle of a giant duty-free mall
21. No Balenciaga earrings for me, thank you
22. I’m not falling for your underhanded retail tricks, Heathrow
23. Oh, look: Armani wingtips!
24. Only £700!
25. I’ll take some in every color, please
26. And I’ll need this £900 HUGO suitcase to carry them on the plane, please
27. I’m clearly too big for London
28. I violently banged my elbows on both sides of the shower this morning when I reached up to shampoo my hair
29. I had to awkwardly tuck my knees under my ample bosom to fit in the seat on the airport shuttle
30. But my shampoo-laundered socks and underwear were dry this morning
31. Dry enough
32. I may complain about chafing later
33. If I can stay awake
34. Because my bed was too comfortable
35. I was kidding about wearing Balenciaga
36. I’m a total Fendi girl
37. Maybe Burberry
38. But only on days where I know I won’t run into anyone important
39. Like the middle of the Heathrow duty-free holding cell
40. Did I mention I’m tired?
41. And that I feel less than fresh?
42. I miss my kitties.
43. Oh look!
44. Gate A10
45. FINALLY
46. I’ll head there just as soon as I buy this Ferragamo scarf
47. KIDDING!
48. I’m Fendi all the way, baby
49. I’m also on my way to Gate A10
50. Just as soon as I point out that I accidentally made two 8’s

The Day That Did Not Go As Planned: A Recap

1. I passed my covid test
2. I’ve had only one before this
3. At the very dawn of the pandemic
4. But look—I’m already off the today-recap track
5. The mandatory covid app wouldn’t upload my test results
6. Because why would it?
7. The electronic signs at Edinburgh Airport, in my experience, do everything in their power to be unhelpful to the point of making you miss your flights
8. I spent a lot of time there today
9. More time than my entire transatlantic flight was supposed to take
10. Yet I’m still on this side of the pond
11. As I previously alluded to
12. (You might not have even noticed I mentioned it)
13. I missed my connecting flight to Chicago
14. And then stood in line at Heathrow for literally two hours waiting to get rebooked
15. But I was clearly a breath of fresh air wafting above the cranky, demanding weeds
16. Because I told the woman at the counter that my schedule was extremely flexible and she could get me home in whatever way was easiest
17. (I’d already told my boss there’s no way I’d make it to work tomorrow anyway, so I was clear to take on whatever the fates dealt me)
18. Plus I promised the rebooking agent a tray of scotcharoos and then flashed a bit of man-boob
18. And not only did she book me to fly out tomorrow morning at a respectable, unrushed time …
19. But I got put up at a swanky, tastefully-foo-foo-gay hotel for the night
20. Seriously
21. It’s so nice I just can’t even
22. It’s the Radisson Blu Edwardian:

23. They’ve clearly invested in its handsomeness using the money they saved by spelling it Blu

24. And I’ve always been an Edwardian guy
25. The Victorians were far too vulgar for me
26. With the wanton hedonism of their hourglass silhouettes and saucy, immodest ankles
27. No, sir
28. Not in THIS household
29. I was raised better than that
30. We were far more chaste and tasteful with our pillowy S-curve bosoms, Evelyn Nesbit virtues, and Gilded Age hubris steaming straight toward the iceberg of obscene divisions of wealth and class and the callous insouciance that unceremoniously condemned the Titanic to a grave at the bottom of the North Atlantic
31. As I said: pure Edwardian class
32. (At least the Titanic got closer to North America than I did today)
33. (too soon?)
34. The lobby here looks like a gentlemen’s hunting lodge that has a fairy godmother
35. Burled walnut paneling
36. Handsome portraits of old-money scions
37. Russet-hued marble burnished to a crisp polish
38. And a massive chandelier of crystal beads that doubles as a drag queen’s tiara on weekends:

39. The lady who rebooked me also got the covid thing figured out and documented

40. She didn’t even look at my test results
41. She just trusted me to tell the truth
42. I’m glad she didn’t ask about my syphilis and consumption tests though
43. That would have gotten awkward
44. It still took me until 7:00 to get in my room
45. We’d landed at 3:30
46. Which adds up to 3 1/2 hours of standing at the rebooking counter and then standing waiting for a shuttle to the hotel and then standing in the hotel check-in line dedicated solely to serving the unwashed airline-delayed masses
47. But I’m HERE
48. There’s a lovely dining room in the lobby
49. It’s the kind that 100% has umlauts and cedillas on its menu
50. I have a dinner voucher
51. But I’m tired
52. And lazy
53. And dressed for the pajama-party comfort I was expecting on my Chicago flight
54. And typing stuff on Facebook feels like all I’m capable of doing at the moment
55. Plus the hotel is MASSIVE
56. It would take another three hours to find my way back to the lobby
57. Plus I’ve been eating like an appalling American all week
58. And I have a breakfast voucher for the morning
59. I mean bręakfäst
60. ’Cause it’s fancy
61. I’d timed my socks and underwear down to the day on this trip
62. Meaning I didn’t account for an additional overnight
63. So a shampoo-laundered pair of socks and a shampoo-laundered pair of underwear are (hopefully by morning) currently drying in the bathroom
64. Of my swanky Edwardian hotel
65. I had to give the help the night off to gather coal to heat their meager Edwardian hovels
66. So I faced the indignity of laundering my unmentionables myself
67. Thankfully nobody knows
68. Nobody
70. One other thing:
71. Our shuttle bus pulled up next to a car at a stoplight on the way to the hotel
72. (The swanky Edwardian hotel)
73. There was a kid in a car seat in the back of the car
74. He started waving to everyone on the bus
75. We all waved back
76. At every stoplight until we went our separate ways
77. It melted the cockles of my cold, black heart
78. Plus it was a welcome antidote to the screaming-banshee airport children I’d spent my day with
79. The little kid giggled
80. We all did too
81. It was nice
82. Last thing:
83. I accidentally made two 18’s on this list
84. And I don’t love you enough to go back and fix it
95. I’m also not going to fix the fact that I just jumped to 95
96. But it’s important that I end on 100
97. It makes me look organized
98. And prolific
99. So good night
100. That’s an even 100
101. Oops